A SLITHERY SAGA

I was a long distance witness to an especially disturbing snake location and elimination episode last night. My mom could better fill you in on the details since she was the one who almost stepped on it, but I got the general idea when she called me at a little past 6pm. Upon realizing there was a large snake lying across the threshold just outside the back door, she called my dad, and then, in a rather fruitless effort to distract herself, called me while she was waiting on him. I proceeded to prod her for every detail of the situation. How big is it? What color is it? Precisely where was it lying? Did you actually open the door and almost let it in? Are you looking at it now? IS IT LOOKING AT YOU? I am glad I could help her get her mind off of it for a bit.

Long story short, Dad came home, found the snake, and humanely disposed of it with a garden hoe. Now for the creepy part (no it hasn’t gotten creepy yet). He found it in a wreath on the wall outside the door. Shudder. Several things entered my mind, not the least of which was, how long had it been hanging out there and had it been right beside their heads when they came and went from the house? Certain mom hadn’t thought of that unnerving possibility yet, I blurted it out, prompting her to ask me to please not talk about it. Obviously she hadn’t realized that confronting the reality of the situation is key to the healing process.

I guess my subconscious was trying to speed that process along because I dreamed about snakes. For some reason, which was never explained in the dream, I was in apartment full of snakes. They were not in cages or tanks, and I was “in charge” of them, whatever that means. I don’t even think I was getting paid for snake-sitting, which I would definitely require if I really did that. And I would charge more than I would for dog-sitting, even though you don’t have to walk them or rub their bellies. Toward the end of the dream I had to deliver a couple of the larger ones to their owner. Whatever. Now, I have seen nature shows that depict snake loving scientists (aka: educated freaks) catching them with special poles that have a “grabber” on the end (they never seem to notice it is lacking any kind of sharp, pointy, lethal object), and then deposit them into some kind of fancy potato sack. Drawing upon this knowledge, I used a broomstick to prod the snakes into a sack from Target. Fearing they would be able to put their fangs through it, I had the good sense to double-bag them. I tied the tops of the sacks together so they couldn’t climb out and whacked the sack with my broomstick whenever it moved. Brilliant. Then the mystery person who wanted the snakes showed up, so I just handed the sack to him. I was pretty annoyed because if I had known I wouldn't be delivering them, I wouldn’t have wasted my Target bags. They are rather sturdy and you can’t see through them, which is why I chose them over Wal-Mart or Kroger sacks. You can’t really over-think the process of apprehending reptiles.

I don’t remember much after that other than leaving the apartment and going to a birthday party. There was strawberry cake and cute little Care Bear plates. I woke up before we played pin-the-tail on the donkey though. That was crummy.

Moral of the story: It’s really rude to go get an item you have specifically asked someone to deliver.